HOW EMBARRASSING! After much procrastinating, I finally posted something, I thought, but it didn’t show up where it was supposed to… was in my feed? Not a post? Where is it? Great. I had been searching for the “perfect” way to reappear on my page so that friends and fam would see me, know I’m alive and in so doing get an idea of how I was feeling.
But Facebook, besides destroying what was left of our Democracy (cuz he actually lived his motto, ‘move fast and break things,’ thanks, Zuck!) actually made posting a complicated ordeal, for fuck’s sake! Now my blog, I KNOW is messed up, because THIS THING is INSANELY complicated; as you can see, I can’t even shrink my headline which is something like 180 pt font, because I have to learn CSS in order to do that, but I expected a learning curve with this stupid blog, but not Facefucking Book! (that’s GOT to be a porn thing, yeah?) Grrrrr! I’m just gonna post it here and then get back to pretending to work. It’s Andrea Balt who was able to capture my feelings in words, and I’m gratefully reproducing some of them here:
“…making peace with this uncertainty, the trust that we are all interconnected and we will get through this somehow and come out to the other side more humble, kind, creative and aware…
“I think I’ve finally made it to STAGE 5 – ACCEPTANCE just in the last few days:
The reassurance that while a way of life is dying – maybe around us, maybe with us, maybe because of us – something will also start to live again – maybe for us, maybe through us, maybe in us.”
She then says, “Let yourself feel it all. There is no other way but through the fire.
Some people will be more affected than others by this crisis. Some will never recover while others will barely feel it.
Wherever you are on the spectrum, please know that your feelings matter, your pain matters, your life matters. Your story is the only one you will ever experience in your skin.
You have the right to feel scared, uncertain, powerless, alone.
You also have the right to feel okay, inspired and creative, to be at peace and thriving and connected, despite the reigning isolation and confusion.
You have the right to laugh and cry many times over, in the course of a single day – which now feels like a year.
None of us has been here before.
Tears have been flowing for me almost every day since the Age of Isolation started (including a few times in the middle of this email) – sometimes for no apparent reason, and yet for all the reasons. I wipe them off and keep on typing.
As one of my favorite poets, Rainer Maria Rilke, put it…
Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final.
So this is not a rant on how to stay positive on the outside, while you’re scared and lonely and angry inside, but a story of hope amid the fear and confusion.
They say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… I don’t know if that’s always the case. Sometimes it weakens and exhausts you and leaves you full of scars.
But I do think it makes you truer to yourself, to others and to life. And it’s that truth, that heart to heart with life, with others and myself that I am after.”
Thanks, Andrea Balt, for your words for my feelings.